I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
