The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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