I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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