I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
