The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
