So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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