It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
