cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize