All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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