i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
