At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
