Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
