How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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