I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Randomize