I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
