Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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