Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
