Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
