I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Someone came in the potted fern
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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