Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
