So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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