In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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