I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
