i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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