you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
