I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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