I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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