Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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