We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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