my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
