a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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