seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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