How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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