halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
