I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
