I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
