dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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