i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
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