Your face is a jimmy john
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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