he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
and you fell through a lawn chair
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
