I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
