I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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