Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
