when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
