he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
