Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
