Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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