Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
