She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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