so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
