He uses pillows to masturbate.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Randomize
