I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
