he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I just gargled with NyQuil
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
