if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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