He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
