I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
