Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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