I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
