chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
