then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I wanna passion pit in your ass
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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