You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
